My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is