My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
You Might Also Like
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Can Happiness buy money?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic