@samalmightysam I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
@LMLMadness My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
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@samalmightysam 
@MadHatterMommy A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
@fightforfood Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
@HansGrubertron HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
@NewDadNotes Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
@AmericanGent69 Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
@iwearaonesie *lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
@JesterWuzHere Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
@amy_stuber_ Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
@milifeasdad There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.