@LMLMadness

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

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@MadHatterMommy

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

@fightforfood

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

@HansGrubertron

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@JesterWuzHere

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

@amy_stuber_

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

@milifeasdad

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.