My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.


Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift


HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed


Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?


Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.


There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.