My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.