My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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Milk Cube
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen