My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.