My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.