My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.