my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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groan^2
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.