My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.