@nothxdoolx

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

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@apbenven

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

@nevernicethings

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

@etherealraccoon

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

@Greg_1_Leg

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

@electric_Dad_

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

@ilovepie84

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

@dafloydsta

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family