My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
You Might Also Like
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
hey, alexa
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible