My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.