Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

this has done me in for some reason

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions