My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
You Might Also Like
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor鈥檚 backyard
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You鈥檒l hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I鈥檝e never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he鈥檇 go into people鈥檚 houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it鈥檚 not technically wrong but I鈥檓 concerned you have diagrams
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
馃幎And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Her: you haven鈥檛 changed since the day we met
Me: THEY鈥橰E MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you鈥檙e not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I鈥檝e realized there鈥檚 more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.