My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
spicy snake
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.