My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?