My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence