My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years