My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My last name is Zilla.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.