My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree


Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea


Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.


A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”


Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.


I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail