My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
You Might Also Like
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
my nickname in college
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Can Happiness buy money?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My teenage children choosing violence
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here