My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
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In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Lucky old June.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE