My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.