My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
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Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
⛄️
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river