My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
You Might Also Like
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.