My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.