My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
how can I suffer but with music
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?