My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
every college guy’s fridge
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Hey I worked for it too!
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”