My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.


I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”


Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!


I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.


[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)


I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.


Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.


I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.