My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
😂💯
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates