My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.