My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn