My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Worth remembering.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.