@warhorse76

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

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@adler_chris

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

@yung__spider

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@joejwest

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

@caliluvgirl77

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

@daemonic3

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

@JohnLyonTweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@Try2StopME

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”