My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
sistine chapel