My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]