My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…