My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*