My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.