my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”