My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?