My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
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WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister