my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!