my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus