My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
WTF
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.