My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
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A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been