my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
ugh not again
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY