My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?