My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.