My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues