My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
You Might Also Like
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
According to math, I’m broke
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.