my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.