My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Milk Cube
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see