My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
How about daylight saves us for once
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break