My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Vodka burrito was a success
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
🙂🐾
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.