@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

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@whatsJo

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

@IHideFromMyKids

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

@AngryRaccoon2

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

@Cpin42

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.