My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Yup!
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*